Girls vs. Women

Ok, so this is one that I have had to grow into, one that alluded and annoyed me when I was younger.

Girls vs. Women

When I was younger, I felt so old, so invincible. Like I had lived a full life and knew 'stuff '. Now, part of this may have been true to some very small extent, as may have been evident because I always hung out with the older kids. Freshman hanging out with the Seniors kind of thing. I thought most kids my age weren't...well i don't even know if I thought they 'weren't' anything, just that I liked hanging out with my older friends. I only remember that the issues of younger kids my age, seemed trivial... It was natural for me to be around the older kids.

As the years passed... wow! Now I have a beginning to understand what women of 30+ years were talking about. And I'm trying to not impose the same attitude and stereotypes I felt when I was a 'girl', as a woman now.

I remember being told when I was younger by older women: "you don't know, you are young" or "my 30's are way better than my 20's ever were"...I felt insulted like my years up to then hadn't mattered. They did, obviously as they made me who I am now. But I see what they mean: my 20's: ahhhh, the days. Hanging out with friends was my biggest objective of the day, going to frat parties, going out to 6th street before I was legal, staying up late, eating junk food without inhibition. You know, college! It was so much fun, I still have very fond memories. I was very ready for college, rather than high school. I just couldn't wait until college... then college came and it felt like forever. I was able to dream about my perfect life after school, the awesome job I was going to have, the cool car I would buy, the big house... Perfect in my eyes.

Then life got in the way. My mother became very ill right around my last semester. I spent all my time after graduation taking care of her. (no sob story here, again for another post). She passed, and here I was, my only real parent gone, (disowned my dad at 13), no cool job, (I had decided my last semester I didn't want to work for the government), I didn't have any money, (no job= no money), and wasn't looking to get married any time soon (so no kids in the near future). Now, I had to start my life again, but was still recovering from my loss. Had to now redefine who I was, or wanted to be.

So, I began to meet new people, new fun, doing everything all the time people. It was so much fun, really enjoyed it all, like college, have fond memories. But couldn't continue that forever, I still wanted the job, house and car, something hanging out with my friends all the time, couldn't provide. But still know this experience was a part of my life development, and embrace that knowledge.

I began to work at a local start up, was fun, and inspirational but wasn't really a life long career as far as I could see. I then began to work for my self. While this may seem like easy street, I will say this has been the hardest time of my life. Even beats my mothers passing. I knew she would pass sometime, just happened sooner than later. My job, that I set my house, car, and big future on didn't pan out like I had thought it would. While my life isn't on hold, it is with this most recent experience that I realize I am a woman now. My age and this most recent experience means I can never go 'back' to my younger, girlish self. This became obvious to me when I was observing some young college age girls in little groups. Listening and observing their social interactions made clear indications of their age and status in life. I then caught myself, wanting to pass judgement " oh my gosh, they are so young and act so stupid"...then I stopped. I was them one time, before the parental departure, the degree, the parties and the job.

While this life experience isn't something I will be able to escape, nor forget by any means, I realize I can now be happy. Really happy with my life. It is not perfect, I still have the ability to find my dream job, even if I am not sure what it is and buy that car I want, or at this point, cars... I realize my life has changed, but it can be for the better and it has made me the woman I now am. I may not be as oblivious to some of the facts of life anymore, I have so much to learn and so many years left to do it in. Here I go once again, with new found knowledge and experience, I get to find out who I am, and who I want to be.

I still feel young, and adventurous, but my goals and aspirations have gotten bigger and more worldly. I am more daring now than then I would say, willing to take risks I hadn't thought of before. I love the challenges, and have even pushed myself far enough to know some new boundaries. The late nights weren't for nothing, I actually met my husband one of the first nights I went out to meet new friends. We were married 7 years later, have been for 2 years now. I just continue to move on and find out more about myself, which is why I realized those women said "30's way better than 20's". I would go as far as to guess that for most women, it isn't until they are 30+ that they begin to really understand who they are and who they really want to be. Still no kids, I cant imagine having any right now while I'm still figuring who I am all over again. Maybe before too many more years go by... We'll see, that will be another life event to grow upon.